REVIEW: Bloodlines #5

Written by JT Krul, art by V Ken Marion & Sean Parsons, published by DC

Please imagine this review to the tune of “In the Navy” by The Village People

IN THE NINETIES women had really stupid hair!

IN THE NINETIES clothes may as well be underwear!

IN THE NINETIES men had the muscles of a bear!

IN THE NINETIES, IN THE NINETIES

Like I said to my fourth ex, I wish I could keep that up but it’s giving me a headache.

DC will you please leave the decade of Escher women and bulging mullets where it belongs! Please?

It’s not a bad comic, it’s just a product of minds that think Bloodlines was a concept worth resuscitating, I thought this last time and frankly I’d love to know whose buying this. Actually I wouldn’t, brrr.

Everything about this is so “Here we go again” they’re still rambling on about stuff they were they were rambling on about in the last issue I read, without actually seeming to have moved on. The whole thing seems like and endless recap punctuated with action scenes. The art feels like it should be good but the design is fucking woeful, nothing you haven’t seen before. If it’s a male over twenty-one they bulge in ways that make you think every clothing outlet in the DCU has run out of XXL T-shirt and jeans, if your under twenty-one and male then the baggy look comes in various colours. Women…tube or vest top with a pair of Daisy Dukes so tight you read the label by saying “Ahhh” in the mirror.

This was all “cool” when I thought my first pube was coming through, now it just feels like someone desperate for a time when Superman was fond of dying and Marvel had read money.

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