REVIEW: X-Men: Worst X-Man Ever #4 (of 5)

Story: Max Bemis
Art: Michael Walsh
Colors: Ruth Redmond
Letters: VC’s Clayton Cowles

This is a joke right?

My editor Al is playing a cruel joke on me right?

There is no way that there is a X-Men book out there that is this bad, right?

Right?

Al?

…Anybody?!?

I’ve read some bad comics in my day. I’ve also read some bad X-Men books in my time too… but this! This may be the newly crowned king of crap mountain. This book is an insult to comic fans, Marvel fans, X-Men fans, and humans that have learned to read! It’s a disgrace! The story is pure shit. The art is third-rate, the main character is ….ARRRGGGGHHHH I can’t do this!
When I think about how hard it is to get your foot in the door in the comics industry, and how much rejection every writer/artist/colorist/letterer puts up with just to get noticed and then to read this!

Screw you Jordan D. White! You were the editor of this book. You were sleeping on the job and you just got busted for it. There can not be another explanation for how this got made. Somebody, somewhere, at Marvel is either on crack cocaine or was falling down drunk to allow this to happen to fans! The very fact that they are charging anything for this comic is a slap in the face. It should be free, it should be titled “Here is what NOT to do when you write for Marvel”. That is the only way this comic makes sense.

I want Max Bemis to take his computer keyboard and chuck it out the nearest window. The comic book reading masses demand it! You sir, are now the worst writer I have ever read!  Hands down, contest over, no need to examine the evidence further. What you have written is nothing more than glorified fan fiction. This should never…NEVER….NNNEEEVVVEEERRR have been allowed near the Marvel logo or its characters, and it should have been kept even further away from reading public. I want you to tack this review on the wall of your writing space and every time you even think about writing another comic… I want you to read this and stop. Don’t do it again. EVER!

I’m not associated with Marvel, the X-team, or any comic creative entity and even I want to extend an apology to anyone out there that has purchased THIS, or ANY of the other four issues of this mini-series. If you want to have the X-Men: Worst X-Man Ever mini series experience, just take a twenty-dollar bill and a five dollar bill out of your wallet/purse and set it on fire. Then breathe in the smoke until you cough and gag.

Bemis is only half of the problem. The other half is the art.(I use the term “art” in the most liberal of context) Michael Walsh has somehow found the same magic loop-hole at Marvel that allowed a story like this through. Looking at the line work you can see that it’s not Walsh that illustrated this story; it is in fact, the colorist, Ruth Redmond. (Who deserves a medal for her efforts) She provides the features, and shape to most of the characters…she gives depth to what amounts to grade school level art. Ruth is the one positive in this entire debacle. She and letterer Clayton Cowles deserve another shot. The rest of the creative team and editorial higher-ups should be banned from the business.

I was over halfway though this “review” when my editor, Al, finally informed me that yes, this was a legit book and not a prank, and that Max Bemis is the lead singer of “Say Anything”. (Something that I desperately wish his comic had done) It’s nice to know that fame and notoriety still have sway over at the Marvel offices. Max should stick to music. Forever.
I hope that the extra dollars that Marvel pulled in with a “celebrity” writer were worth pissing on their fans for. Because that’s what this book is the equivalent of, a long warm stream of urine, directed right at the reader. I’m just glad I read the book with my mouth closed. My jaw clenched tight. Trying to figure out who I had offended to receive such a blatant turd in my inbox.

I know as a reviewer it’s my “job” to point out specific points in the plot and characterization to justify such a harsh review. I should go over the issue with a fine tooth comb and detail each offense. I should do a lot of things with this issue, but I’m going to show it the same amount of respect as it has shown me as a reader.

None!

I got this issue for free as a reviewer and I still want my money back.

So for the first time in my career I’m handing a book a score of zero. I would give it even less if our scoring system would allow it, but zero is rock bottom. Avoid this comic at all costs. Avoid it like the black plague.

 

0 Stars

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